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Puppies for pensioners, a niceness tsar and environmental police: an exclusive list of what LibDems are asking for

What exactly is the problem?  Why are both major parties struggling to reach any kind of agreement with those sweet, easygoing Liberal Democrats? Here, in an exclusive leak from the negotiations, is a list of what they are currently demanding:

  1. Colourful woolly jumpers for all TV newsreaders (to cheer everyone up!).
  2. The compulsory singing of John Lennon’s ‘Give Peace a Chance’ in all school assemblies.
  3. Every pensioner to be given a puppy.
  4. An end to war (what is it good for?).
  5. A satire tax.
  6. Lembit Opik, who’s a lot more serious than people think, to be Governor of the Bank of England.
  7. Professional football to be phased out.
  8. All the money that Rooney, Drogba and all the other overpaid footballers get to go to building kids’ playgrounds.
  9. Niceness to be added to the national curriculum.
  10. A national speed limit of 50 mph.
  11. Smoking, with the exception of pipes, to be banned.
  12. The 2012 London Olympics to be non-competitive.
  13. An Environmental Police Authority to be set up to enforce recycling and energy responsibility across the nation.
  14. A new offence ‘Crimes against Planet Earth’, to be introduced, covering such offences as failing to recycle, driving gas-guzzling cars, using patio heaters, wasting water etc,  and carrying a jail sentence.
  15. Floella Benjamin to be a Niceness Tsar, tasked with ensuring  there are  values of decency, goodness and general positivity across the country.
  16.  Every Area of Outstanding Beauty to have at least three giant wind turbines as symbol of environmental commitment.
  17. National Happy Kids Day to be a new national holiday on which the nation gives thanks for our really wonderful kids.
  18. Unhealthy foods to be banned.
  19. An undercover social cohesion unit to be set up to report on inappropriate behaviour, reporting to the Niceness Tsar.
  20. Donkey sanctuaries to be nationalised.